Vamps

Year: 2012

Country: USA

Tagline: Dating bites.

Plot: BFF gets a new meaning with Goody (a well-preserved CLUELESS alumni Alicia Silverstone) and Stacey (Bettie Page reborn pale-skinned beauty Krysten Ritter) living up the night. Goody's been around, like forever, like even before the electric light bulb was invented. She got sired by a stem vampire, Cisserus, and is the soft-hearted type, opting rather to feed on rats rather than humans. She was thrilled by new developments on the social scene during the Roaring Twenties, what with the Flappers being the first party girls and all that. Hey, if you were born during 1841 you'd have lived during some pretty repressed times! Anyway, things turned wild after the big wars, much excitement through the Fifties, Sixties and Seventies, but then came 1992, when Cisserus sired Stacy, a drug addict, turning her 'life' around as a sister for Goody, who taught her all the basic vampire stuff she needed to know. In turn, hip, with it social butterfly (bat?) Stacey taught techno-illiterate Goody about the Internet, e-mail and Napster, not forgetting Greenday. Goody is kind of socially inept, she needs help putting on her lipstick (vampires can't see themselves in mirrors) and her fashion sense is stuck in the 1970s (jeans). Goody thinks Stacy is real cute as they wake up in their matching coffins facing each others', but Stacey kind of has a lame sense of humor, like blocking Goody's lid with a desk. But they make a fun duo racing off to Goth night at a local night club, Goody streaking at inhuman lightning speed down the fire escape, while the more avant garde Stacy crawls creepily down the side of the building, reverse quadruped-style, like a giant cockroach.Goody abhors the v-word. She is an ELF, extended life-form. Their support group is Sanguines Anonymous.. Here they meet up with other ghouls of the community. Like Vlad Tepesh, who has now refrained from impaling victims for 362 years.Eating habits. Atrocious. They feast on rats, drinking their blood with straws, exactly like children slurp down soda pop. Goody also gets carried away seeing a coke-abusing drummer's bleeding nose, and has to jump on top of him and lick it off. Apparently she has a tongue that can put a giraffe to shame...In the club, Goody uses her vampire persuasion powers, a snake-eyed mind-altering stare, to convince Juicy Girl (well, her panties simply introduce the loose little thing as 'Juicy') (blonde Emily Goldwyn) to steer away in future from bad boys like Ivan, an older vampire who hangs out at Cisserus's place, and Vadim, an insidious snake-fanged demonic vampire.Goody is kind of deceiving Stacy on one count. She is just about 151 years older than her, but has always played this down, letting the younger girl believe she is her age.. Stacy is very age-conscious, and Goody is ashamed of being so damned ancient. She has practical knowledge of the city's past history, and is very wise about past events, which she accredits to having seen on the History Channel when Stacy looks at her askew.Quick note here: Remember, the girls are vampires. It's all a race against time. What's a girl to do if the sun is her biggest (instantly 'lethal') enemy? Living the good night-life at the risk of being burnt into nothingness they are drawn to the city life like moths to an open flame...Now, Cisserus (Sigourney Weaver), Mom to her two offspring, and with a passion for Gaultier and Prada (she summons the two girls as colthes models - her offspring has no other purpose for her), is not the gentile I-brake-for-bunnies type. Fast food delivery? She has the Pizza Guy. Who turns up dismembered some time later, with Van Helsing (CLUELESS alumni Wallance Shawn) formerly MI6, now from Homeland Security, investigating the case, but out of his jurisdiction, as it's not terrorist-related, just another New York psycho on the loose.As luck would have it, Stacy, a student at university, watches a film with Joey, who has an obvious interest in her elegant delicate frame. And she is delighted by him. Then she learns his surname. Van Helsing. Shades of Romeo and Juliet. And when he takes her home, and she meets the parents, they are instantly alerted by her freezing-cold hands. The walking dead are among us! No campus vampire will get past Van Helsing! Goody is alarmed to discover just exactly where Little Sister is spending her time. She herself has linked up with her old flame, Danny Horowitz, but of course had to introduce herself as Susan, daughter of deceased Goody, to explain the mystery of not having aged a day. Danny's wife is dying of terminal cancer in the Intensive Care Unit, and the two 'sisters' work the night shift at the hospital, naturally, so that's how they met. She heard him ranting at the reception desk re treatment of his wife, and recognized his voice from protesting days. Goody's been a career protestor, dating back to the days of Abolition.Goody is troubled lately by the revelation she learned from Vadim. If Cisserus, her stem, got eliminated, she would revert to her true age. There is trouble brewing in the community. Ol' Van Helsing, pretending to be a Time Warner cable guy, has eliminated Ivan, and he has an agent posing as a psy-vampire infiltrating the Sanguines group. Stacy gets mysteriously called up for jury duty; all kinds of imposed daylight activities face the troubled night creatures.The dinner date with Joey at the Van Helsing residence. Stacy prepared by disguising her white pallor with every known fake bronzer and spray-on tan known in the living, or undead, universe. She tried using her mind controlling abilities, but Van Helsing has a very strong will. His son provides her with the greatest time she's had since the Eighties, but when birds alert her to nearing sunrise, she has to scamper away, in that unorthodox way, down the side of the building, and he freaks out seeing her. But she manages wooing him back quite easily because, after all, she is exactly the opposite of evil. The encounter did impregnate her though.Also outed is Goody when she foils a robbery at a video store, and sinks her fangs into a guy who suffered a heart attack to thin his blood. Her ACLU torch-bearing old flame does get to understand the plight of these misfits, mostly losers, now. The gang makes use of a solar eclipse to get rid of the obstacles in their way, and get their names deleted off public records. Vadim rewards Danny by turning his wife, she becomes healthy and virile again (hot matured older lady looking just great Marilu Henner) even if surely a vampire now, but the 'plot' does not go into this.Evil Cisserus takes out a Chinese takeout. And has her fill. Her two offspring enlists Van Helsing and confront her in her hideout, Grant's Tomb. Looming over diminutive Van Helsing in her primal state, she is beheaded by Joey wielding a chainsaw, but reanimated the skeleton of Ulysses Grant, she bears down upon her foes. Slaying her means reverting to their actual ages, which is fatal for future-shocked Goody, but Stacy can be a 40 year old Mom. And Goody gets reunited with her own children. Van Helsing gets to accept his granddaughter with the fangs.Stacyand and Goody are two socialite vampires living the good life in New York City. But when they fall in love, they are faced with daunting romantic possibilities while being chased by vampire hunters.

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